Black Crows….poetry.

Black crows weep at the maidens feet

Skys turn black for the lack of that

Blue was in but today it’s lacking

Gone so deep we can hear them hacking

But the entrance is closed for we and those

Who can hear the voice of the truth betrothed

Tis us we know but can dare admit

That we really do know down deep…it.

 

Inspired by one of my long-time interenet friends, Misia.

Advertisements

No recurrences here!

My lung-scan results just came back “all clear”. There is no evidence of present or past clots! What a relief. Life can continue again…

They still don’t know what caused them in the first place. When that happens they suspect undetected cancer. Investigation for that continues, but so far so good.

What is life without fear? Is it possible? Krishnamuriti, whose writings I have studied for years, suggests that it is possible to live without fear. But very, very few people achieve that state of freedom. Even HE was frustrated by that sad fact.

What is fear? We’ll investigate that later.

T.

sunflowers

Recurrence?

Today, I’ve had some recurrence of the same symptoms I had which led up to my September hospitalization for Pulmonary Emboli (Lung blood-clots). Coincidentally, and thankfully, I have been scheduled for the last 2 months for my 6 month follow up with the specialist tomorrow. They will be doing another lung-scan and an echo-cardiogram. Hopefully those will show that all is well, although I cannot dismiss the way I have felt today, so I will most certainly tell the specialist about that.

I am feeling better this evening, but today’s experience certainly brought back the stark reality of it all, brought back my awareness of how much the entire colour of my life changed when faced with the possibility of suddenly dying. It could still happen from this condition. Pulmonary Embolisms can re-occur, even while on the medication—“Warfarin”, a blood-thinner, or as many seem to enjoy telling me it is called, “Rat Poison” because it really used to be used for rat-bait.

On Friday, I successfully completed an hour long work-out at the gym: 20 minutes on the Elliptical machine, with minute and a half “sprints” on it every five minutes. That was followed by a half hour of aerobic circuit weight training, using lighter weights with higher repetitions, which also elevates the heart rate. Then I finished up with ten minutes of running on the treadmill. 2 months ago, I could only do 5 minutes on the elliptical machine and about 15 minutes of weights! I’ve been feeling incredibly healthy for the past couple of months, going with that routine ever few days. My resting heart-rate is around 60, my blood-pressure around 130 over 83 (including today). But today frightened me, jolting me back to the September horror. So, I rested for the whole day. Hopefully tomorrows tests will show no “new developments”. I do hope.

All those who I love have been uppermost in my mind today…I don’t want to leave them, not YET!

But the point that I want to make tonight is how significant and impactful it was having that sort-of near death experience, back in September. It coloured and completely changed the entire perspective and course of my life. Knowing that I could—bam—suddenly die was a very sobering (I’m still working on that too!) and frightening experience. However, on the day that it happened in September, when the doctors were talking to me as if I was not going to walk out of the hospital, I was completely resigned and even open to it. I was strangely peaceful inside. I wasn’t afraid to die—but I WAS terrified to leave the lives of my loved ones. This was not a selfish rumination. Rather, I was thinking about them, because I wanted to stay on as an active part of their lives for what I believed I could give to them, and which I still believe, yet.

That is my dream tonight. God willing, that as I recovered in September, so tomorrow I will continue to be free to pursue the most important things in my life…to fully love my loved ones and to continue this amazing and wonderful journey that I began back in September to completely discover who and what I am, so that I can BE that person and in turn bless not only the lives of those closet to me, but also if God so grants, a lot more people around me in this refreshing, warm sea of humanity.

Indeed this is my calling. A hope, to be fulfilled.

Thank YOU, dear readers for being a part of my dream.

Blessings to you all,

Tim

trilliam 
The Trilliam, a native flower of Ontario.
As a very young child, I discovered them flourishing in the forest behind our home.
My delight in their beauty spawned a life-long love and appreciate for them and all flowers.
Each human, each individual, is just as beautiful as these.

New Year’s Resolutions Re-visited

Well, here we are…36 days into the new year already!

I went 17 days straight, writing in my journal, but haven’t written a thing in the past week or two.

I, like most, have not come very close to achieving my resolutions. But I haven’t given up yet!!! The year has still just begun!

Stay tuned. The best is yet to come.

Take care.

Tim