Humour/Humor

The Value of a Smile
It costs nothing, but creates so much good. It enriches those who receive it without impoverishing those who give it away. It happens in a flash but the memory of it can last forever. No one is so rich that he can get along without it. No one is too poor to feel rich when receiving it. It creates happiness in the home, fosters goodwill in business, and is the countersign of friends. It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad and nature’s best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed or stolen for it is something of no earthly good to anybody until it is given away willingly.
Anonymous

Much has been said about the value of humor, but to me nothing has summed it up so nicely as the above quotation, author anonymous. I read a book a few years ago about a fellow who claims to have cured himself from Cancer by “medicating” himself with humor. Much has been said over the years about the “therapeutic” effect of humor on our health. I certainly know how much better I feel after having a good laugh. Something therapeutic must be happening there. And although I have a terrible memory for jokes, the few that I do recall I always enjoy sharing, seeing other people enjoy their laugh as well. So that’s why I have put this humor section on my web-site, with the hope that it will make you laugh and feel good too.

Feel free to copy these jokes and share them freely with others. In fact, if you have a clean joke of your own, please send it to me so that I might share it with everyone else. And if it is original humor that you yourself have thought up, I will give you appropriate honorable mention!

Enjoy!


*A Sarcastic Definition of Microsoft Windows*

Microsoft Windows: A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a
sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for
a four-bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that
can’t stand one bit of competition!


*Bumper Stickers*

Please see the “BS” labelled tab above!


*The Water Closet*

An English schoolteacher was looking for rooms in Switzerland. She called upon the local schoolmaster to help her find an apartment that would be suitable. Such rooms were found, and she returned to London for her belongings. She remembered that she had not noticed a bathroom, or as she was used to calling it, “a water closet,”—an old English expression coming from the day’s when bathrooms used to be out-of-doors, known to Westerners as an “Out-house”.

Concerned about the water closet, she wrote to the schoolmaster and asked if there was a “W.C.” in or near the apartment. The schoolmaster, not knowing the English expression, was puzzled by the “W.C.,” never dreaming that she was talking about a bathroom. He finally sought advice from the parish priest. They concluded that she must mean a “Wayside Chapel”. So, the lady received the following letter a few days later from the schoolmaster:

Dear Madam:

I am happy to inform you that we most certainly do have a “W.C”! In fact, it is located only 9 miles from the house, in the heart of a beautiful grove of trees. It will seat 150 people at one time, and is open for your convenience on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays.

Some people bring their lunch and make a day of it. On Thursdays there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are very good. The slightest sound can be heard by everyone. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband at the W.C. We are now in the process of taking donations to purchase plush seats. We feel this is a long-felt need, as the present seats have holes in them.

My wife, being rather delicate, hasn’t been able to attend regularly. It has been six months since she last went. Naturally, it pains her not to be able to go more often.

I will close now with the desire to accommodate you in every way possible, and will be happy to save you a seat either down front or near the door, as you prefer.

Author Unknown


*Lipstick*

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was
faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning
to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there
with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night. To demonstrate how! difficult it was to clean the
mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them.
He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet
and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.


*What God looks like*

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.

The girl: replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher: paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied,

“They will in a minute.”


*Shoe Repair*

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.
The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed
and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a
pair of shoes over a decade ago.

“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked.

“Not very likely,” his wife said.

“It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.”

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later,
the man called out, “Here they are!”

“No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have
thought they’d still be here after all this time.”

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

“They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.


*Three Gifts*

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They
discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said: “I built a big house for our mother.”
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The second said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third said: “You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible.
Now she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that
recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach
him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it.”
?
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.
“Milton,” she said, “the house you built is so huge. I live only in one
room, but I have to clean the whole house.
“Gerald,” she said, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at
home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He’s a pain!”
“But Donald,” she said, “the little chicken you sent was delicious!”

http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


A little boy said to his teacher, “I ain’t got no pencil.”

She corrected his grammar at once: “It’s ‘I don’t have a pencil.’ ‘You don’t have a pencil.’
‘We don’t have any pencils.’ ‘They don’t have any pencils.’ Is that clear?”

“Nope,” said the bewildered child. “What happened to all them pencils?”


A burglar entered a church minister’s house at midnight.
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Drawing his weapon, he said. “If you move, you’re a dead man. I’m hunting for your money.”
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“Let me get up and turn on the light,” said the minister, “and I’ll hunt for money with you!”


A tractor salesman drives up to a farm and is startled to see the farmer lifting a large pig up to the branch of an apple tree. As the salesman watches in amazement, the pig bites a large apple off the branch, whereupon the farmer gently puts the animal down and picks up another pig, who in turn gobbles up his own apple from the tree. This goes on for quite a few pigs, until the salesman can no  longer restrain himself.

“Excuse me,” he says to the farmer, “but wouldn’t it be easier to pick all the apples yourself and let the pigs eat them off the ground?”

“Might be,” says the farmer as he reaches for yet another pig. “But what’s the advantage?”

“For one thing,” says the salesman, “it would save a lot of time”.

“Could be,” says the farmer. “But what’s time to a pig?”

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